With all the movie reviewing going on at DVD Talk, there are times when we need to unwind, take a break from the TV, and spend some quality time with our significant others. For most of you, that might mean a fine dinner, conversation, or simply hanging out but for our horn dog reviewers, it typically means nights of depravity trying out all the new things we learned from the latest volume of whatever Nasty Porn they happened to check out. For those times, they reserve a handful of special toys in order to enhance their experiences and today's review of the Crystalessence Gyrating Penis was one such case.

As far as sex toys go, I prefer to use my own reliable penis, tongue and hands since they have all managed to induce more than a few orgasms over the years, albeit with the guidance of an open gal that enjoys sex. There are times though that even a guy like me has to call out the heavy artillery and this vibrator was one such device. The usable portion of the purple toy is 6+ inches long, 5 inches around, and about 1 and a half inches across. For all intents and purposes, it is similar to my own equipment with the exception that it has a very unyielding material (called Crystalessence) and a hefty motor attached at the base, it could substitute for me at any given orgy.

There are three selling points to this toy that advance it ahead of most
contenders: Price, Power, and Play-worthiness in bodies of water. Let's examine these one by one:

First, coming in at under $17, you're not likely to find a sturdier, more powerful vibrator of this size. Sure, there are far more expensive toys that'll wake the dead but I have yet to see anything coming in at twice the price that were this versatile.

Second, this puppy was strong in terms of power. It wasn't the loudest contender on the block but it could be felt in the next room when turned up to its highest setting. If any low cost toy could truly serve as a penis shaped neck massager, this would be the one (and it felt good when I tried). I figured that this would suck down the battery power pretty quickly (from personal experience, the stronger the vibrator, the more quickly it needs new batteries) but it kept going at full speed for a lot longer than smaller models did, well over six hours on a fresh set of 2 AA Duracell's.

Third, the device is advertised as being waterproof, a claim that has been exaggerated far too often in my experience (especially since no one seems willing to take sex toys back, making their warranties a joke). I tried this aspect last since a bad experience would certainly cut short my evaluation period. It was tough enough finding a lady willing to assist me for this public review (kudos to Cary) but the possibility of turning the toy into a simple dildo from a mishap in water was never far from my mind (even when faced up close with a very appealing lady's naked body). Thankfully, it survived the shower (hot water, lengthy play), my swimming pool (much colder water, down to about three feet deep-on the steps), and her bathtub experience complete with stupid bubbles that hampered my view (though I could hear it humming in the next room).

I can't say that it'd work out during anal sex since it seemed too large for anything I'd be willing to try sober and she has a "you first" policy when it comes to backdoor exploration, but it was firm enough that I'm sure it would work for more sexually advanced lovers. She thought it "looked cool" and "felt right" so I guess it had her squeal of approval in terms of the many little factors that women look for in a sex toy. It was shaped like a real penis, complete with veins and a tip, but I have to hand it to California Exotics for providing such a pleasing toy at such an affordable cost, especially one that stood up to some mighty tough testing. I think if it came in a package that was geared more towards upscale consumers (it was in a clear plastic package with a hot babe in a bikini), they'd be able to sell it more readily as a gift for someone you care about but this was truly an exceptional value for how study the Crystalessence Gyrating Penis was (though it wasn't gyrating so much as feeling like a jackhammer in terms of vibrations).

Note: This retro-toy review originally appeared a couple of years ago but stands even today as indicative of the toy. For the low cost, it provided a lot of fun but did manage to wear out (the switch) after about a year of intermittent use. Considering the price of the device, that still earns it a Recommended in my book.