Ask Chad

Oh, Kink or Shrink, you tormented soul. I mean I get it. Anon sex is hot. Half the guys on the apps never look like their pics anyway, so what’s the point of evening sending? Keep the door open. Explore your kink. Check the cameras before and after… Though true tea, if you want someone to cuddle with one day, you’re gonna have to go to therapy. Find a cool sex therapist to work it out with if long term is your goal. If it’s not, don’t give this another thought. Change your profile headline to cum dump and action shots to my DMs.

Dear MNMBIWSCOMC,

First… fuck you. Now that song is gonna be stuck in my head for a month. Second… thank you. Now that song is gonna be stuck in my head for a month! 🙂 I think you should get the butt implants if you want them, but I don’t think you should lie to your bf. If he’s someone you genuinely care about and could see yourself growing with, you shouldn’t lie to him, particularly when it’s about something as important as control of your own body! This is something you should own if it’s important to you, and I would think you’d want to date someone who liked you for your strong sense of self. And if he doesn’t jive with what you want? Then he can kiss your ass.

Dear YAH,

Don’t feel weird about that at all! Like any niche kink I think your best bet is to just start off small. Maybe plan a romantic dinner-in, and while you’re eating just playfully give him a bite of your dessert, but with you holding the fork. Just start off small and let him associate the food with how hot he no doubt finds you! Then maybe offer it as something you try together! “Wait… you know what could be hot?” and then go get the whipped cream and put a tiny bit on the tip of his finger. I trust you know what to do from there 😉

Good luck!

Dear Drunk in Love,

Yeah I think what you’re going through is pretty common. We meet out and about so we’re the loosest, freest versions of ourselves. We feel less inhibited and can just go with the flow. Who’s worried about that one freckle on their right buttcheek when you’re just enjoying the moment?! But that can become a crutch. My advice to you is this: commit to ONE MONTH of no drinking, but with lots of fucking. Force it to the front burner, and push through the awkwardness together. After a month, you’ll have found it easier, hotter, and will probably even be able to laugh together about it all. Then, if you want… go have a few celebratory drinks and fuck the night away!

Love,
Chaadpjhqnupii;kbug
(sorry, I signed this when I was drunk)

Dear Darwin

Is your name supposed to be a Bewitched joke, re: Derwin? If so… WOOF. This is a tough one for sure. I honestly don’t know what to tell you, because I haven’t faced this issue too directly yet, but you and I are conceptually in the same boat. Here’s where I think I’ve landed on what my current threshold is: If someone is devoutly religious and believes in a traditional notion of a “god” then I’m out in terms of long term dating. If they say anything along the lines of, “Well, I just find it comforting more than I believe the specifics” then I’m open to it.

But this really is a “personal threshold” decision. Also… do you have to make a decision anytime soon? Can you just take a deep breath and enjoy the good dicking while you’ve got it? And then if things start to get really serious, well… then you’ve got some thinking to do. Can you be in an LTR with someone who views the universe so fundamentally different than you do? #PersonalThreshold and all that. But I wish you the best of luck! Live long and prosper and all that good stuff.

Dear LABIA,

First of all… must you? Second of all… ehhh I don’t think you’re gonna like my response, but here goes: stop being a dick. Listen, I get it. To a degree you’re not wrong: total trust rooted in love should be able to yield abject honesty that yields growth. But at the same time, I’d like to refer you to my previous point: stop being a dick.

The little white lies that we all tell people we care about are because we understand that not everything needs to be said always. Every time I hear some brat say something like, “People just can’t handle my honesty. I say it like I see it, because I’m not fake.” my first thought is always, “No you’re not fake. But you are rude and were poorly raised.” Again, I get it, it’s different when you’re with your husband, and I’m sure you offer strangers more of the social courtesy than you do your hubby because it’s a different dynamic. My advice to you is simple: start offering your husband that same courtesy, and again… stop being a dick.

Dear Butt Guy,

I’ve named you Butt Guy since you didn’t give a signoff, and I like to think that if I had saved you in my phone after a hookup I’d have saved it as “Chester Scruff/NYC/ButtGuy.” Also, I think it’s really cool that your real name is definitely Chester. Family name? I digress.

First, let me just say that not only is there nothing wrong with loving your own body, but I think more people should do the same. No matter what your size, shape, color, or proportion… you are beautiful and sexy and you SHOULD love your body. In terms of your specifics… fuck yes you should love that beautiful ass of yours! Take all the pictures! Tweet all the faceless ass pics you can muster and post them on your alt twitter, your Grindr, or wherever else you want. Or, just enjoy the hell out of them in private. You owe no one an explanation for your kinks. Also, as a fellow “big-assed guy in his 30s”… I get it 😉 I absolutely buy my shorts and pants to showcase my ass. But the reality is: I do it for myself because it makes me feel good.

I’ll close with a quote from the great philosopher Moira Rose: “Allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, ‘Oh, I’m too spooky,’ or, ‘Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies.’ But believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, ‘Dear god, I was a beautiful thing!'”

Dear Hard Pill to Swallow,

Well, this is where you and I differ in tastes (so to speak). But different tastes for different people! I have two pieces of advice. The first is to just make peace with that. If you’re pleasing him in so many other ways (and he the same for you), then you’re hardly letting your partner down by not indulging him in his one big kink. Maybe you do “suck it up and deal with it” (heh heh, well-played) on special occasions, etc. My second piece of advice is to, quite simply, take it “down the hatch.” As much as I genuinely love the taste of cum, I also really love swallowing balls-deep. And when I swallow that deep, I don’t taste a thing. Not sure what your gag reflex status is (personally, I’ve only HEARD of gag reflexes ), or what your partner’s size is, but if you can manage it, it might be worth giving it a shot (to the back of the throat).

Sincerely,
Nancy Reagan (IYKYK)

PS – if you do end up swallowing, make sure that husband of yours is eating lots of fruits. You’ll thank me.

Heya Tush!

Thanks for writing in. Oof. That’s understandably nerve-wracking, but I’m glad the cancer scare is in check! Sure, this definitely could be a chance to broaden your sexual tastes and start finding the joy in topping more (trust me… it’s worth it). But, that doesn’t mean you need to give up on bottoming. You just need to start small and work from there. I really recommend @DoctorCarlton’s clock technique. He’s a gay GI doctor who gives tips for bottoming (and topping, for that matter) and his clock technique is so simple and so brilliant. Once you’re a little loosened up, invest in a manageably-sized dildo or butt plug. Maybe a nice 4 or 5-incher. Just stick with that for a week or two, and then move up to starting with two fingers and if finances allow, buying a second, medium-to large dildo. This whole process should go as slow as you need. If it takes you a month to move up from clock technique/fingers to a manageably-sized dildo, so be it! Taking your time is of the utmost importance! Next thing you know, you’ll be getting plowed around the clock.

I hope this helps!

Chad

Dear Curious George,

This is a tough one for sure. On the one hand you don’t want to be away from your BF for an entire month, on the other hand you also don’t want to get Monkeypox. Okay… I declare you must CUT THE BABY IN HALF! Sorry… that’s for my Solomon’ Columnon piece I’m working on. Here’s what I think you should do: first, you need to wash everything he may have touched. EVERYTHING. Sheets, clothes, dish towels, washcloths… re: everything. And then, space permitting (and assuming living separately for the month isn’t an option), you need to designate who sleeps where for the next month (ie: You take the bed, he takes the couch). He also needs to wear a mask for the next month because his coughs, sneezes, etc. can also infect you. And then… you just do the best you can. Make sure you still stay socially close, even if slightly physically distant. It’ll be important for you to be there for him, because as I’m sure you’re figuring out… he’s in store for a real shitty month.

Chad