Chad Talks: Straight Boy Blues

Alright, I have had it with you holes! I thought we all learned rule number one in junior high, maybe HS if you were late. It has come to my attention that some of you are still crushing on straight boys. Unfollow, unfriend, delete, block, call the police henny. We do not do that in this house! And I’m gonna tell you why, as if I should even have to. There are many reasons, and the first should be your dignity! Why are gay guys so obsessed with things they can’t have? Yes they’re hot but they also aren’t going to get with you. In order to remain in hot girl territory, you cannot chase what you cannot attract.

So you’ve started thinking, what if? Maybe he’s not just metro and he’s a little fruity? Everyone has a first time, right? Listen, if that first time was going to be with you, he will make it known to you! If you have to bribe and coax him to it, that will make you look HELLA desperate. This is the 2020s, we do not beg for straight cock when there are plenty gay and bi ones out there! How are you gonna look begging for cock from a man who will never give it to you? Like a hungry and sad dog. Get off the floor, get back on Grindr, and get it together girl.

Oh you call yourself Tina Turned Her? Wow, you look so cool being thirsty for vulnerable men. It’s really not cute or anything to brag about. Plus we know that a straight guy can’t be trusted to clean out his back room before company comes over, so that makes you look even more foolish. Straight should be a turn-off, not turn on. I know I know, forbidden fruit and all. But it’s really not like that, queen. You need to realize that he ain’t gonna leave his girl for you and also that if it is just a hookup he more than likely will keep it a secret while still being homophobic with his friends. The straight guy hookup cycle goes: secret conversations, hookup, blocked, hits you up again a few months later, you do it again, and he blocks you again when it’s over. Yikes.

In conclusion, y’all really need to get a grip. If you want to lie to yourself, that is your prerogative. But I think you should live in the light and be with the guys out there that actually want to be with you. There’s nothing worse than lying to yourself and thinking that someone will change into something they’re not. Let them come to those realizations on their own and quit trying to beat them to the punch. The conservatives are out here trying to take our rights, the last thing we need to give them is hole! Be gay, be proud, and be real with yourself.

Got a question for me? Nothing is off-limits! Email me: [email protected] to get my advice.

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