8 Sexy Law & Order Detectives I Want To Lock Me Up

*Sets up nice cup of iced coffee… cracks knuckles* Gays love dick. We LOVE it. I don’t know what to tell you. We looooove dick. And one Dick that just never quits is Dick Wolf. For almost four decades, Dick Wolf has created some of the biggest TV shows and movies we’ve seen. Remember School Ties? The vehicle that helped launch the carriers of Chris O’Donnell, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Anthony Rapp, and Brendan Fraser? Mmm the schoolboy crushes young Tommy had back then. But Dick Wolf has created no bigger creative empire than the Law & Order franchises. Law & Order is the longest running law enforcement TV show in American history. And with shooting that much, you know Dick was gonna give us that good good. So, here is our look at eight of the hottest men to ever play detectives in the Law & Order franchises.

REY CURTIS

Starting us off is one of the sexiest actors to grace the screen, Benjamin Bratt as Detective Rey Curtis. Bratt entered Law & Order three years into its original run in 1995, joining on as the partner of darling-of-Broadway-and-street-in-Hell's-Kitchen, Jerry Orbach as Detective Lenny Briscoe. It would be three years before Bratt would date Madam Julia Roberts for nearly four years, but in 1995 he was winning the hearts of every homo in the country. That square jaw, those smoldering eyes, and that flowing hair. Woof. For three seasons Bratt proved quickly he wasn’t just a pretty face. Detective Curtis helped set the stage for what is now an entire archetype.

ROBERT GOREN

One of my best friends since college and I used to love making fun of Vincent D’Onofrio because of the head tilt he would do when interrogating people. He was like a sexy emu, who was pissed off at a shrub. The reality of it was, though, I just wasn’t ready to fully welcome the amazingness that is Vincent D’Onofrio into my life. I’m wiser now, ya know? The Pandemic really shifted things. Wow. #Relevant. #Growth. On Dick’s Law & Order spinoff, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, D’Onofrio played Detective Robert Goren. For a full decade, Detective Goren made dad bods hot before it was cool, and served us a soft vocal rasp that made my heart tumble. Not for nothing, D’Onofrio famously worked his ass off on this show bringing his most intense acting and performances to the gritty crime world. So much so, that he collapsed twice in one week, one of which one was on-set. Be careful, Vinny. We need you.

CYRUS LUPO

Oh, Jeremy Sisto. Why are you so inexplicably hot? It’s truly impossible to say exactly why I’m so attracted to him, but it’s also 1000% because of HBO's Six Feet Under. But seven years before he was the mop topped loose-cannon, he was a mop-topped cop in the form of Detective Cyrus Lupo on Law & Order. Lupo rocked a trench coat with the best of them and also brought a sexy young vibe wearing beanies and a perpetual 5 o'clock shadow. I can’t say for sure, but something deep in my gut tells me Detective Lupo is an amazing cuddler.

Nick Amaro

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Yeah. You know the one. Focusing on New York City’s 16th Precinct, SVU is the show that’s a bit more fucked up than the others because it’s focused on particularly heinous sexual crimes, and all the words that now come with trigger warnings on Instagram stories. And leading that force for four years was holy-fucking-shit-gorgeous Danny Pino as Detective Nick Amaro. From 2011 to 2015, Detective Amaro looked like someone Wikipediaed “gorgeous model detective.” Serving us both model from GQ and cop from HQ, Pino can cuff me literally any day he wants. Wait. Shit. No, that means I did something worth the SVU needing to arrest me. Ugh. You know what I was going for. Moving on.

ELLIOT STABLER

Okay, okay. I did y’all dirty on that last paragraph. I talked about Law & Order: SVU, but I started with the wrong detective, didn’t I? I knew what I was doing, too. I was toying with you a bit. Let’s just call it foreplay. Because now it’s time for the fucking. And who’s doing the fucking? The man who has graced many an article by me in the past, Detective Elliot Stabler, played by none other than Christopher Meloni. SVU is arguably the unanimous favorite of all the Law & Order franchises, but Meloni is inarguably the favorite of all the detectives. He’s tall, he’s broad, he’s smoldering, he’s brooding, and he’s gives you that no-bullshit approach to justice that we loved seeing for 12 seasons. As I’ve noted before, Meloni is also a huge and long-time support of the Queer community, as been since before it was cool. Recently, Meloni has spun off SVU with Detective Stabler getting his stand-alone series, Law & Order: Organized Crime on NBC. Thank you, Dick. Thank you.

ED GREEN

I’m obviously not going to talk about the hot detectives of Law & Order and not bring in one of the loves of Broadway, Jesse L. Martin. For eight seasons, Martin was his usual suave, sexy self as Detective Ed Green on the OG Law & Order. It’s weird to think of the world of murder as sexy, but it’s tough not to when we’ve got sexy-ass Jesse Martin leading the team. Martin is also someone who always knows the assignment (I see you, Ally McBeal *lick*).

CHESTER LAKE

Another SVU detective who has made me swoon over the years is Detective Chester Lake. Portrayed by Adam Beach, Detective Lake is another young, hot, muscled detective who I just want to protect me. I’m not even generally scared of violence in NYC, but I’ll start putting myself in front of some if it means that I end up being told “everything’s going to be okay” by Adam Beach. Hell, I’ll commit some felonies, just because I want to see Detective Lake play bad cop with me.

KEVIN BERNARD

Finally, I may hate most of the things Detective Kevin Bernard stands for, but damnit if he’s not sexy as fuck. Played by Anthony Anderson, Detective Bernard was conservative, fairly anti-immigrant, and devoutly religious. My progressively, immigrant-loving, atheist ass couldn’t hate that shit more. But Anthony Anderson? Yes, please. I think I’ve made my feelings clear on him in previous articles. Anderson keeps getting sexier and sexier, and for three seasons until the iconic OG show’s end Detective Bernard tried his hardest to keep the streets of New York City safe. Law & Order was recently revived with Anderson reprising his role as Detective Bernard and joining forces with original cast member Sam Waterson as D.A. Jack McCoy.

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