Department of Health, You Kinky Slut. A Guide to Safe Sex in Covid Pandemic v.2022

With the newest hybrid variant of Covid freshly revealed (I think it’s called Deltawerkathon? I dunno.) it’s time for a refresher on what you sluts can and can’t do safely as we penetrate the weekend. I should note going forward in this and all posts that I use the term slut as the highest of compliments. Let us continue.

The New York City Department of Health, in tandem with the guidelines of the CDC, outlined what the best practices are during the pandemic. And lemme tell ya…the NYCDOH is a lil sluttttttt. It’s all poppered up and ready to fuck…safely, that is. Laid against the Queerest of magenta backgrounds, the DOH has pretty much said everything is fair game within reason. Best practices to reduce the risk of transmitting STIs is to always use a condom, and to reduce the risk of HIV transmission, PrEP is also strongly recommended, in consultation with your doctor. That being said, Covid-19 is not categorized as an STI, so I’ll leave condom discretion to the consenting parties at hand.

Okay, now that we’ve gotten real for a second, let’s get raw. The DOH’s verbatim advice is to “Make it kinky.” They continue, “Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers that allow sexual contact while preventing close face-to-face contact.” That’s right, y’all. The 0 in 2022 is actually a big ‘ole glory hole. If anonymity gives you a rush, then you’re in luck, because that barrier is your favorite sheet, cardboard box, or door (yeah, if you’re a BILLIONAIRES. Jesus.) is the perfect protection while you gulp down your favorite trick. And hey if you’re on the DL, now you’ve got the CDC on your side saying that kissing should be avoided.

Maybe you’re a bater, though, ya know? Maybe instead of a brojob, you and your bro just wanna kick back and be bros and do bro shit, bro. Well, the DOH has the answer for you, bro: “Masturbate together. Use distance and face masks to reduce the risk.” See, here’s what I love: not only are they telling us to get down with some good, old-fashioned bating, but they’re also challenging us to be the shooters we were meant to be. “Use distance.” Excuse me, distance? DISTANCE?! Well, I know a challenge when I see one. *Takes huge swig of avocado oil* (that’s a thing, isn’t it? No? Fuck it.) This could become a great drinking game during the next inevitable massive shutdown. Whoever shoots first has to take a shot, and whoever has the least distance has to take a shot. That’s it, that’s the game. I didn’t say I was a game creating genius, okay? Back off. Take a shot.

Since Covid is a respiratory disease, it spreads most quickly in water droplets. So, it's more ideal if you're not facing each other. In other words: reverse cowboy. When the DOH tells me be to be extra careful, then I'm gonna be extra careful. And if that means my neighbor needs to be facing the wall while he rides me, then he'll face the wall. It's called SAFETY! LOOK IT UP. Other positions that are peak Omnicron safety protocol would therefore also include doggy style, standing against a wall, and wheelbarrow—and if you miss seeing the reactions of your partner (or his eyes), have sex in front of a mirror!

Finally, if you wanna have some fun, but not have to deal with kicking someone out when you inevitably lose interest 11 seconds after you both finish, then the DOH has a solution for you: Plug In. Get Off. Zoom sex! (Zex™? Let’s get that trending, shall we?) According the DOH’s website, they say to, “Enjoy sex virtually, such as video dates, sexting, sexy Zoom parties or chat rooms.” “Sexy Zoom parties” sounds like what parents who are trying too hard to be hip would ask their 19 year-old kid about. What’s unfortunate about all of this is that I just realized this is probably what my slut parents and their slut friends are doing in Florida. Their generation invented the Key Party, and a sexy zoom party seems like just the perfect solution for an immunocompromised population. Want to breakout into a side room, Ethel?

Whatever you’re doing be smart, be safe, and above all else, consent is not only sexy, but is also 100% required. If you’re super worried about STIs then always wear a condom. If you’re super worried about Covid then wear a mask and get vaccinated. Seriously… get vaccinated, you stupid sluts. Have fun this weekend, and as the DOH says, “All Glory to the Holey” (interpretive liberties were taken).

Questions? Comments? Email us at [email protected].