Queer Abby: Do I Need To Disclose My HIV Status At A Public Gay Sex Party?

Queer Abby,

I've had my eye on going to a public bareback sex party for a few years now, but it's only been fairly recently that I've had the means to actually do so. But there's one issue about it that I haven't really resolved in all this time, the issue of disclosure. I'm HIV positive and undetectable. There's no risk of giving anyone HIV, and because of that I'm inclined to not bother telling anyone unless they ask (especially since it's a bareback party, it should be assumed some guys are poz and undetectable). I mean, with one-on-one hookups or even a small bareback party, I've had no issue just telling everyone that I have HIV, but if this public party is at all well attended, it seems like a hell of a hassle, at best, to tell every potential person I'd be getting it on with that I'm HIV positive.

But it's also super illegal in pretty much every state (in the US) to be HIV positive and not disclose that information before having sex with someone, even when there's no risk of transmission. I know, I know, the likelihood that someone at a bareback party would go to the police with this are slim to none, but it's a hell of a short straw to draw if it does happen. So, what do you think, should I err on the safe side and tell absolutely everyone that I have HIV, despite the hassle? Or should I hope one bad apple doesn't try to ruin it for everyone?

- Not So Anonymous

_______________________________

Dear Not So Anonymous,

First off, to reiterate your point for our readers, the National Institute Of Health confirms that undetectable equals untransmittable. In the words of the NIH: "U=U means that people living with HIV who achieve and maintain an undetectable viral load—the amount of HIV in the blood—by taking and adhering to antiretroviral therapy (ART) as prescribed cannot sexually transmit the virus to others.”

While from a rational perspective we know that you could not transmit HIV to a partner at a bareback sex party, sex isn’t rational. It’s emotional, and as it stands in 2019, many people have very strong emotions regarding HIV - even in a post-PrEP world.  Even if these strong feelings are irrational, the iota of a chance that someone you hook up with at a sex party could find out about your status makes not disclosing not an option. As you mentioned, it could land you in hot water legally.

I also feel that, while your body is your business, when you have sex with someone, your body is their business. And vice versa. Even at a public sex party. (At least, I think. Anyone have thoughts?) You don’t have to look favorably on someone who doesn’t want to have sex with someone who is HIV positive, but you have to respect their rights.

So, what to do. Some light Googling hasn’t led me to any sex parties exclusively for gay men living with HIV. That doesn’t mean they aren’t out there. I think the big question is - what are you looking to get out of this public sex party? And is there another way that this need can be met that avoids putting you in such an awkward position? Could you discreetly message a group of guys and arrange an orgy? And if the anonymity of the sex party is what excited you, could you possibly incorporate some role-playing into an arranged orgy?

I don’t pretend to know the intricacies of public sex party etiquette, but I also see absolutely no problem with letting people that you have HIV and that want to have your cum hanging from the rafters. Your cum deserves to be hanging from the rafters one way or another. Good luck! 

_______________________________

Do any of you have first-hand experience with bareback public sex parties? Please give our friend any advice that you have in the comments!

Make sure to send in your Queer Abby questions either to [email protected] or to our anonymous Queer Abby Google Form!

Images courtesy of BelAmi - [See the full scene here]