Poolside Patriotic Pret-A-Porter: Showing It Off In The Red, White, And Blue

In case you haven't consulted that sexy fireman/priest/dishwasher calendar lately, it's July already, folks, which can mean only one thing: exuberant displays of half-naked nationalism! Canadian readers got their dose on Tuesday, the French get theirs the week after next—and we, like the Baby Bears that we are, are just right in the middle. (Brits, for reasons still unclear, got their special day back in June. Which seems a little antisocial to us. Just sayin'!) In preparation for our staff trip to the beach pool lawn sprinkler, we looked high and low for skimpy swimwear to express our true Inner American. And what do you know? There's a heck of a lot of Old Glory-inspired beachwear out there than we ever would have imagined. (Or would ever wear ourselves, but that's another story.)

Some of it is sexy, while some of it we'd be happy to burn—thereby saving the world from bad fashion and exercising our First Amendment rights at the same time. (Who says we can't multitask on a holiday?) So while the flocks in Paris swelter at the couture shows, we're taking you on a far more comfortable survey of nationalist beach togs. Pack the sunscreen and some extra Dramamine for the ride.

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Yeah, this was the first thing that popped up in our search. And on the surface, it seems okay. That star, those colors—-there's patriotism aplenty, but it certainly ain't swimwear. We know there are people who wear underwear to the pool in lieu of a tasteful square-cut or board short, but we hope you aren't among them. We'd rather you go nude. (But then, we'd always rather you go nude.)

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The unusual look of this tiny garment is more than enough to attract attention, to say the least. On the upside, it looks kind of comfy, and it's probably easy to get out of quickly (which is always a bonus in our book). On the downside, the tan line it leaves behind has to be weird. The design is also clearly Japanese-inspired—and what do you think this is, Japan Day? Disqualified!

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This one may seem pretty innocuous, but look closer. Can you see it? There's newsprint on that bathing suit! Do you want complete strangers looking that closely at your junk? (Well, of course you do ... but not reading it.)

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Here's a milquetoast-y option for the patriotically inclined. Standard theme, standard cut—in fact, the only reason we've included it here is the model, who looks vaguely familiar. We can't quite place the face, but we never forget a bulge.

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This may look like yet another stars-and-stripes bikini, but there's something sinister going on here. Can you spot it? That's right: it's French-cut. We suppose we could re-brand it as the "Freedom Cut", but that seems like a lot of trouble to go through for fashion that isn't all that threatening to begin with.

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And here, loyal readers, we have that patriotic suspender look, for that sexy Atticus Finch in all of us. After all—what better way is there to celebrate all the liberties we enjoy as a nation by exercising your right to look like a refugee from a Reagan-era Chippendales show?