“Spartacus” Will Give You A Black Eye And A Boner

Finally, the savagely sexy "Spartacus" has arrived like an unrestrained id of aggression and sex. It's naked, bloody, disgusting, and erotic. Straight Fleshbot's already sung the first episode's praises—but we clipped all the parts you gays will love.

In the Starz version "Spartacus: Blood and Sand," Spartacus—this long-haired dude played by Andy Whitfield—is Thracian and signed a pact with the Romans, when this general here betrayed him, he and his men attacked the Romans. The imperialists retaliate by stealing Spartacus' wife and placing him into slavery. Of course they haul him away while he's naked and just fucked his bride's brains out on camera. We're not showing you that part, because we're afraid the proximity to a real, operating vagina might freak you out.

And if hot, naked Spartacus wasn't enough, get your first glimpse of gay gladiator Barca. With all the graphic sexuality and bloodshed, it's like an even dirtier, grittier version of "300." Yes, this is going to be an awesome season—especially after Barca gets his hands on some grade-A ancient tail.