Digging Deeper with Dillon Diaz: My HimEros Men’s Retreat Experience

October 20, 2023
DILLON DIAZ

My HimEros TV Experience

When I was awarded the coveted Gay Performer of The Year award from XBiz earlier this year I was in disbelief. Sadly, I couldn’t be at the show to accept my award so I learned about my win the next morning at the gym when I started getting congratulatory texts from colleagues and friends. I remember saying to one of them, “Thank you but what for?” She explained and then the tears came rolling down. I hid behind a squat rack organizing the plates so people wouldn’t see me crying. Needless to say, it was a very special moment for me.

In the months to follow this win, lots of great things happened. Being presented with the opportunity to write this column was one. I got married to the man of my dreams. I did a number of written and filmed interviews. I got some great bookings with scripts that would challenge me and I was asked to design and present four workshops for a gay men’s wellness and intimacy retreat hosted by HimeEros TV. By far the scariest of all. I’ve never done anything like that before.

As I write these words, I’m on a plane to Albany, NY with my beautiful husband, Jake Waters, beside me headed to the venue for the HimEros TV Experience and I’m beyond nervous. I haven’t slept well this week. I’ve been procrastinating on even the simplest of tasks, which is something I do when I’m anxious or downright scared.

This is a big step outside of my comfort zone. However, I’ve learned to lean into the things that scare me the most and conquer them. I don’t pass up an opportunity to grow. That doesn’t mean that I’m heading into this with confidence that I will conquer it — I’m just going to do my best.

I had hoped this win would translate to more bookings in front of the camera and it has but I was really surprised when people wanted to hear me speak my words. Not scripted words. I have spent months preparing for this moment and I've designed four workshops for this retreat with lots of help from Jason Tantra, one of the main organizers of the event and its curriculum, along with the creator of HimEros TV and the HimEros TV Experience, Davey Wavey but I alone will be presenting them to the attendees of this retreat and I alone will get blamed if they suck. I'm not an expert at anything but being me so that is what I will be presenting. Workshops that are uniquely me. BARE, Partnered Masturbation, Dillon’s Erotic Massage, and How To Have Sex Like a Porn Star. My husband will be by my side as my assistant, demonstration partner, and moral support but I’m still scared.

It’s funny how the awkward little guy from Brooklyn who bombed his sixth-grade Halloween play now spends so much time in front of an audience. Granted, I have grown to love an audience but this audience is seeing me in a way that I don’t often show myself.

Tomorrow evening we will welcome the attendees to the grounds of Easton Mountain and then the workshops begin the next morning…

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It’s now a few days after the retreat and I’m on a plane heading back home to Vegas with my amazing husband still at my side. I survived my farthest leap into the unknown yet and I survived. More than survived — I thrived!

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All of my workshops were well-received and I got lots of positive feedback from every direction. That's not to say that It was easy, it was not. Things didn’t always go as planned but they did go the way they needed to go. I had to more than pivot, I had to dance to maintain the framework that I created but also allow our participants to steer things in the direction that they needed to go in. I learned very early on that I was there for a greater purpose than I had anticipated. I was there to facilitate meetings of new lifelong friends, deep conversations, revaluations, breakthroughs, and healing.

I am so grateful for everyone's willingness to be led by me but I’m even more grateful for what each of them brought to the event — Themselves! Their unique experience. Their willingness to share their trauma with the group and also receive healing from the group.

I went into this thinking I was on my own but I was not. Each person that attended my event was an equal party. We all brought something to the table. I left this 5-day retreat gaining much more than I gave. I feel proud, relieved, accomplished, healed and I gained a few new friends in the process.

One of my new friends who I will refer to by his initials, TPM said, “The greatest things I got were confirmation that I should actually pursue what I’m passionate about (massage) and connections that I think will keep me on the path to pursue that goal. I’d also say that I found a big part of myself that I forgot about (my need to be a healer and have love for all), and was able to see how important it is for me and for others to have that in my life.”

Over 50% of our combined workshops from four facilitators, Jason Tantra, John Baldwin, Mathew Shur, and myself were massage-based. The guys loved giving and receiving touch. Even guys who were reluctant at first slowly started letting their guard down and allowed themselves to touch and be touched. We had some that preferred to just watch and that's okay too. As long as they didn’t go running out of the place in disgust, it was a win.

GW, another new friend said, “For me, It was the opportunity to tap into the core part of me, where sensuality, embodiment, connection, and spirituality live. I’m still buzzing from being with forty-something men I’ve never met before and feeling so safe, held, and seen, that I experienced the Divine. Not to sound too esoteric, but it’s true. And, developing deep connections and friendships in a relatively short period of time. I’ve been carrying on about five different text conversations since I’ve been home. And, the opportunity to live my fantasy of being a porn star for a day.”

When I looked across the room and saw how deep into my Sex Like a Porn Star workshop GW had allowed himself to go I could have cried. I could see him release himself to his inner sexual being and it was absolutely beautiful, erotic, and empowering. Bravo GW!

Would I do anything like this again? Yes. Not tomorrow. Not even next week. This took a lot out of me but it was 100% worth it. I may never know all of the ways I have touched these guys' lives and it may take me a while to realize all the ways they have touched mine but we all left touched, figuratively and physically. I mean we are gay mean after all!

For those of us who have been able to live our truest life out loud and in the sunshine, we are lucky. For some of the attendees of this event, this is one of the few opportunities they have to live outside the preverbal closet. For those of us who have overcome devastating setbacks, and adversity, lost loved ones, and are still standing, you are the champions and inspirations. Thank you guys of the HimEros Experience 2023 for your generosity of spirit and for sharing so much of yourself with the rest of us. I know that is not easy but you did it gracefully and with such style.

I believe the greatest gift you can receive from a person is their time and their trust. With that as the foundation, the possibilities are endless. I learned so much about survival and perseverance from you all and this is my love letter to you. Xoxo.