From Michael Keaton to Robert Pattinson: Ranking the Hot Actors Who Played Batman

March 5, 2022
TOMMY

7. Michael Keaton

On the bottom of the list, but still decidedly a sexy man, is Michael Keaton. Listen…it was the '80s…looks were different, and the goons looked like all of our uncles. And saying Michael Keaton in 1989 was the hottest of the men to play Batman would just be silly. Don’t get me wrong, Keaton is a stud, and has a sense of mystery to him that I absolutely adore. I’ll go a step further and say he’s aged incredibly well and I think is even hotter now! But in terms of this list…well, just like the new era of Batman, Michael will start it off.

6. Robert Pattinson

Next, we have the newest Batman, Robert Pattinson. Is Robert Pattinson beautiful? Of course! He’s like a French catalogue come to life. But that’s the thing about catalogue models…they’re one-dimensional. Robert is an outstanding actor, and a beautiful man to look at. But do I look at him and think, “Oh, damn! I wanna fuck him,"? To be honest, not really. But I bet he’s a great kisser. Those French magazine types always are, am I right? No, seriously…am I right? I have no idea.

5. Adam West

In the number five slot is the OG, Adam West. Adam West played Batman on TV in an era when sex on screen was still a taboo, but a sleek set of apparently bullet-proof tights filled in the imagination gaps that needed to be filled. West’s Batman was decidedly a man of the time: he was suave, he had style, and he had a voice that you could feel in your chest. That voice. That specific, specific voice. Also, not for nothing, West was a notorious playboy in the '60s. As rumor would have it, he and Burt Ward (who played Robin) would have massive amounts of sex with women DURING FILMING. West was also reported to have once been kicked out of an orgy. The man was not only a stud, but he’s also just a legend. And any man who has the confidence to dance in tights is already a notch above the rest. Confidence is sexy.

4. Ben Affleck

I worked at a café in LA years ago, and one day Ben and Casey Affleck came in for lunch together. I realized in that moment that Casey is sexy, whereas Ben is hot. I don’t have time to get into all the minutiae of the difference, but in that moment I realized what it was. Ben was tall, broad-shouldered grizzled, and looks like he’d fuck you on a mattress on the floor. And we all know mattress-on-the-floor dick is the best dick in town. Plus he smokes. I know I shouldn’t find that hot, but here we are. Granted, his version of Batman wasn’t the most well-received, but that was more an issue of the movie as a whole. In an alternate timeline, I think he would be an incredible Batman.

3. Val Kilmer

Then there is Val Kilmer. Val Kilmer was in every '90s gay wet dream on a semi-regular basis. The thick blonde hair, the piercing eyes, and the seemingly perpetual stubble. Woof. Val was also a perfect transition from the Keaton-era of Batman, when Keaton, Tom Hanks, and Billy Crystal were the hot leading men of romcoms, to the new era where the goons were now jacked and leading men are STUDS. Val, unfortunately, lost his voice to cancer, but last year, in an incredible feet of willpower met with cutting edge technology, regained it through an incredible AI program. Thomas Wayne would be proud of the innovation. But don't think that means we forgot about the nipples, Val. Because we didn't.

2. George Clooney

It goes Humphrey Bogart, Rock Hudson, Paul Newman, George Clooney. George Clooney is, pure and simple, classically Old Hollywood handsome. And he’s only gotten even more handsome with age. George, why are you so fucking handsome? It’s just so silly. HE IS SO HANDSOME. He’s at once dark and brooding, and yet warm and funny. It’s also worth noting that in his personal life, much like Bruce Wayne’s, he runs in high-power billionaire circles, seemingly with a goal to change the world for the better. Is it all of these things that make him so hot? Does he simply exude sexiness? Please refer to the above gif for my thoughts on the matter.

1. Christian Bale

Finally… the hottest man to play Batman: Christian Bale. I know the dude has had a sketchy personal life at times, and is known for his hot temper. But, like…that’s the thing, isn’t it? The temper is fucking hot. Christian Bale’s performance in the Christopher Nolan Batman trilogy was pure athleticism at its finest, as demonstrated by some incredible fight scenes. Bale is also notorious for his ability to shape shift based on the roles he’s playing, and at times gain and lose muscle mass seemingly in the snap of finger (this atheist wants this Christian to snap him in half, FYI). This scene above will forever live rent free in my head.

What do you think? Who do you think is the hottest of the men to play Batman? Let us know!

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