2022: 2020, too? Or 20/20 NEW! 5 New Social Norms for Life Post Pandemic

Here’s the deal: in 2020 we watched the world burn down and it took about two years for the ashes to smolder. Now we’re in 2022, and we have the chance to build the world anew the way we want. We’ve got the hindsight of the world pre-2020 and how dumb so many things used to be Pre-Pandemic. Here is our list of five things we want to see as permanent changes in the New World.

First, and decidedly most importantly is how we wait on line at establishment. The only time I need you 4 inches behind me is when you’ve got a 8 inch cock and you’re “only halfway there.” Even more egregious are the people hovering against me WHILE THERE ARE STILL FLOOR MARKERS DESIGNATING 6-FEET. The physical distancing portion of society during the Pandemic needs to become a forever staple, so that this woman I saw at the pharmacy the other day can finally end her reign of chaos.

Do I hate Mark Zuckerberg? Of course. Who doesn’t hate robotic gelatinous blobs claiming to be a human person? That being said, with the advent of the Metaverse, I just want to say that I am fully here for VR porn. C’mon. We’re all over the “hey, wanna Skype first?” discussion. But if I could throw on my Oculus Quest 2 and quickly jump into the Metaverse...I’m just saying I’ll do anything seven times. Bring on sex in space, I always say (note: I’ve never once actually said this)! And it’s BYOB (Bring-Your-Own-Bottle of BBQ Sauce).

Speaking of sauce, in the Post-Pandy world of 2022 I’d love to see a new fun drink become the “it” drink of the zeitgeist. Mad Men made the Old Fashioned the drink of choice for the last decade, and the Skinny Margarita started a wave of “skinny alcoholic drinks,” so it’s high time we had a signature cocktail for the New World Order. Hell, maybe we can call it a New World so you can always say, “I’d like to order a New World?” Here’s what I’m thinking: 1oz. peaty scotch, 1oz of mezcal, a splash of CBD, and a hit of poppers before you sip (garnished with an orange peel, because we’re classy).

Next up, no one is allowed to set their status on Grindr as “Ugh! Not here for hookups! Looking for something MEANINGFUL!” Babe, you do you. We all have different wants and needs out of life. But in 2022, it is now OFFICIALLY illegal (according to laws I just made up) to have that as your bio on Grindr, Scruff, Jack’d, Recon, or any other “fuck app” medium. These are apps for all forms of fucking; if you end up connecting with a trick and something develops, then wonderful. But we don’t need your sex-shaming, anti-sex positivity bio telling us we’re degenerates. (*sips New World*).

Finally, we have people you only sorta know IRL adding you to their “Close Friends” list on IG. Don’t get me wrong: I love nudes, but we barely talk in real life, and when we ran into each other at the bar last week you did the bland smirk as if to say, “Oh yeah, you sorta look familiar. Hey (or whatever).” If I wanted to see your mediocre ass with a dick in it, I’d go to the Crunch steam room.

Cybersocket—Plug In. Get Off. Questions? Comments? Email us at [email protected].