The Trade of the Season: Let’s Talk About the Hottest People On Drag Race Season 14

January 20, 2022
TOMMY

We all watch Drag Race for the couture, for the drama, for the life-saving lip syncs, and for the dips that make our 36 year-old knees ache just from watching. But we also watch to see which snacks are the most edible once the wigs come off. Which trade would we want to trade spit with? Which Queen could become our King? Well, season 14 of RuPaul’s Drag Race has provided some of the most gorgeous queens, but also some of the hottest performers. Here is my list of the top performers I want to fuck out of drag, in no particular order:

First up is Jorge Meza (Jorgeous). That young man is so fucking sexy, it’s a little unsettling. His brows, his smile, his eyes. He’s from Texas so I don’t know if he wants me to cook him some smoked brisket first, or what? But however this goes down, he’s getting my meat. I think I want to spend a month in a cabin with him. Is that weird? Can someone make this happen?

Next is Angeria Paris VanMichaels, whose real name I can’t find for the life of me. This man is just so damn cute, and also has a personality to boot. You know sex with Angeria would be consistently good, and that you’d also be able to laugh together over any weird body noises you hear or goofy positions the two of you accidentally end up in. I want to fuck Angeria, and then I want to go spend the day at a weird museum with him.

I’m torn with Joshua Enrique Ortolaza Resto (Alyssa Hunter). He’s so jarringly beautiful, you almost feel bad for him. I mean this young man is stunninggggg (he was a model!), but I feel like the sex would be really boring for some reason. There’s only one real way for me to find out, though, and as a man of science, I’m prepared to do my research.

Then there is Christopher Constnantino (Bosco). His features make me feel like I’m smoking a cigarette in Paris with a glass of wine at noon on a Wednesday in the '90s. He’s got that alt grunge look that says, “I know how to fuck, but I also will have an amazing conversation with you after, but I’m also fine if we just fuck and go.” His mattress is definitely on the floor, but that’s always the most bomb dick you’re gonna get. At the end, you’ll definitely be trying to figure out which pair of underwear is yours underneath an avalanche of denim and chains.

Following up on this “mattress on the floor top” trope, we’ve got Trenton Clark (Daya Betty). If Constantino fucks you and then smokes a cigarette in the '90s, then Trenton smokes a joint with you first and then fucks you. Then you play video games all day and watch some movies, and it’s the best day you’ve had in months. You also fuck 3 more times and then fall asleep at 1 AM. He never responds to your texts again.

Finally, we have Chance Lambert (Orion Story). I want to take a Chance on lust, because he could get it. He reminds me of my ex a bit physically, and everyone I know who is from Michigan is very good in bed. Those are essentially all of the data points I need.

I'm also giving honorable mention to Elyse Alessandra Anderson (Kerri Colby). Because I’m not usually attracted to traditionally female-presenting people, I don’t necessarily want to have sex with her, but let me just say that that woman is stunning. It’s no wonder she’s so stunning in-drag, because out of drag she’s still a 10.