Queer Abby: How Do I Learn To Love Myself As A Gay Man?

August 15, 2019
HIS_EXCELLENCY

(This is not real life)

Queer Abby,

What are your tips for building confidence and self-esteem as a gay man? How can I develop my sense of self-worth instead of feeling insecure and self-loathing? What has your journey as far as self-image been like? Are there any books/movies you would recommend on this?

- Queer and Loathing

_______________________

Dear Queer and Loathing,

Building confidence as a gay man can be so difficult because we are pigeonholed within society as well as within even the gay community. We're assigned characteristics that may not be true to who we are, and if we don't have the vigor to excavate our true selves (a lifelong process) we can fall into the trap of mirroring society's stereotypes and not tapping into our full being. In addition to having the master status of being homosexuals in the eyes of mainstream society, once we get down to gay culture, we're taxonomized into animals, daddies, twinks, etc. Can't a bich just be herself!

Confidence and self-esteem come from living as your most authentic self. Again, I think this is harder to do as a 'mo. Being part of an accepting, open, supportive community will only facilitate this journey of self-discovery. Are you out to your friends? Do you live in a city where you feel comfortable being gay?

Most importantly, know that there is no right or wrong way to be gay. I don't have you on the horn so I can't ask you if you feel self-loathing over the fact that you're gay, or if you feel that way when comparing yourself to other gays/romantic partners. The former is something that a supportive community will help you overcome. We are born gay, being gay is awesome, gay sex is great, etc. In the words of Jonny McGovern:

You're gay, it's okay. It's a treasure from Jesus, every day. You get to have sex, both ways.

In terms of the latter - gays are an intimidating force to be reckoned with! Know that, believe it or not, even the popular, ripped, perpetually-smiling #Instagays with thousands of followers are dealing with self-doubt and insecurity. (Why else would they need a third party to validate their existence?) We look at unbelievably hot guys here at Fleshbot, but I can tell you that posts featuring the most conventionally attractive men aren't always the ones that get the most clicks. Not by a long shot. Feeling increased confidence around everyone, including other gay men, again, will happen when you are your most fully-realized self.

And media can be a great way to help get you there. Here are some gay-specific recommendations: A Separate Peace is a beautiful book for a complex, gay(adjacent) relationship. I for some reason found a lot of comfort in the relationship in the 2009 comedy I Love You Phillip Morris. Humor is a huge part of how I engage with the world, and I cannot recommend the podcast Dumb Gay Politics enough. Those ladies are unapologetic. Jonny McGovern is a gay body-positive icon and he has the YouTube series Hey Qween. The YouTube series UNHhhh from Drag Race alumni Katya and Trixie Mattel destigmatize even the craziest aspects of gay culture. And of course the series Queer As Folk is a great place for self-assured multifaceted gay characters.

Gays aren't the only ones who have struggled with self-confidence, and I actually find most of my inspiration in female celebs and characters. The Chelsea Handler books My Horizontal Life and Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea are hilarious and will embolden you - possibly too much. The HBO series Girls has both a complex female lead working to find herself as well as one of TV's most well-developed gay characters, played by Andrew Rannells.

Do I sometimes hear my voice and wish I sounded less gay? Yes. Do I catch my reflection in a window and cringe at how I'm walking like Franke Grande? Yes. Do I see guys at the gay clubs who I think are hotter than me? No. No I don't. But with a little humor and perspective, I embrace what I can, and know that I am working towards embracing the rest. And I know you'll get there too. Thanks for your question and please hit us up if you need anything else.

_______________________

Well guys, I hope you can tell that I really tried with this Queer Abby. This would be the optimal time for you to head to the comments to help out our friend. I'm sure everyone would love to hear your thoughts!

And remember to send in YOUR Queer Abby questions to [email protected], or via our anonymous Queer Abby Google Form! (A lot of you sent in some awesome questions! If yours hasn't been answered, know that I am working on it.)