Study: Pornstar Clings To Belief He Is Center Of Known Universe

We were trying to hold our tongues (Ha!) from commenting on Derek Rivero's grave video press release this week regarding his break up with Zack Randall, earth-shattering in Derek's eyes only. Let's analyze the grand delusion of self-importance.

Video for reference is below...

The Set
Bless Derek's cute twinky heart, for he put some thought into where to sit: in the corner of a Sean Cody/Corbin Fisher-esque room next to what looks like a work of abstract expressionism...all to add that touch of class.

His Costume
The Moroccan style shirt and pashmina thing precisely match the bland interior. They say, "Since I am dressy and not bent over showing you my hole, I insist on being taken seriously."

His Speech
He starts off by dropping cliches even Hallmark long ago ixnayed, like "change is inevitable."

"I feel it is my responsibility to address an issue that will most likely get more attention than it actually deserves."

We doubt it'll get much attention, but he seems serious so, okay, we're listening.

"Recently, it has been mutually decided by myself and Zack Randall"...blah blah a lot of official sounding jargon he probably consulted the nearest coffee shop lawyer to look over..."to officially separate and end our relationship of two years."

Creek-creek went the crickets. Okay, um. Sad face. So, when are you getting naked, Derek?
...oh, you have more to say?

"I ask that this matter please be treated discreetly and positively..."

We know, you must really be stressed out from the Brangelina levels of paparazzi hounding you on every corner. Those TMZ rats need discretion!

"...so that all parties involved may resume their lives in a respectable and mature manner."

Oh, yes, so they can pick up the shattered pieces of porn star love. We feel bad for Derek. This break-up was monumental for him, so the dear thinks it's monumental to the world. Hence, this overwrought explanation vaguely reminiscent of dearly departed Michael Jackson's 1993 plea for tolerance.

"We aren't the first, and we won't be the last."

A thought that doesn't quite go as deep as his generous dick.

"It is best if we simply let this fade away in the past where it belongs."

Done!

He goes on to talk about future porn plans with all the enthusiasm of a trial witness.

Derek, we love you, we're weeping for you, but please, next time remember discretion is merely a brief blurb in the paper. Or nothing at all, like Fleshbot Crush Object/Your Ex Zack is doing. This sleekly produced video and rehearsed-to-the-bone speech give it the import of a supreme court justice confirmation hearing and, well... it sure ain't!

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· Derek Press Release 7 8 09 (youtube.com)