Amateur Porn Video Roundup: Passport To Penis Edition (Or, Five Foxy Foreign Fucks)

So, is it hot enough for you? That wasn't just innuendo: we're seriously wondering if it's hot enough for you. Because we've reached our limit, people. Summer has officially become life-threatening. You know, like in that movie "Sunshine", where if the sun actually touches you, you die? So. Not. Kidding.

Unfortunately, between the student loan payments and those pesky shackles attached to our workstations, we don't think we're going to be able to get away for a real holiday. But that's what the interweb is for! Like those things called "books" used to do for previous generations, the web lets us take a vacation without ever leaving our hard metal folding chair. And let's face it: virtual sex tourism is way less costly and less morally sticky than the real thing. After the jump, join us for a few of the stops on our globetrotting itinerary. If you were Sandy Olsson, which of these Danny Zukos would you hit?

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Our imaginary invisible jet first lands in the living room of Radames513. He's a ferociously hung cutie who's "looking for hot girls, boys and couples all over the world"--which sounds pretty broad, as long as you're under 35 (his upper limit), near Berlin (his location), and not fat (his turn off). Added bonus: since we've only heard the name "Radames" in Verdi's "Aida", we might have an opera buff on our hands! Bayreuth, here we come!

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A quick flight to the south and we're at the home office of Roughbot. He's sexy, he's fuzzy, he's got a great dick and a great camera, and he's a total powerbottom. (Though we have reason to believe he may be a cousin of Fleshbot--which could still be turn-on, if you're into the whole "Handjobs"-style incest thing.) Also going for him: he's in Cyprus, and despite the lingering political unease there, we've heard the beaches are faaaaabulous.

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One fairy ferry ride away, we come upon boner-fide Italian hottie Pupazzodineve--at least, that's what we hope to do. Apparently, he's got a limited command of the English language, but given the hotness factor of his videos, we're gonna give him a passagiatta. As you can see, he's able to do far more interesting things with his tongue than talk about Bernini, Borromini, and the importance of homemade pasta. (Insert your own noodle joke here.)

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Next, get comfy for the long, hard flight Down Under, where it's currently deepest, darkest winter. And honestly, when it's that cold, don't you want to snuggle up next to someone warm and cuddly like Fuzzyroo? Okay, perhaps he's a little too fuzzy for some, and to be fair, we're not entirely sure he's from the Antipodes, but wouldn't you like to find out?

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The last, but certainly not least stop brings us to the thoroughly hot, thoroughly patriotic Ethanspad. As he says the description of "Proudly Pinoy": "So against a mock-up of the Philippine flag, I put on my islander pants and do my thing, because Ethan is Pinoy, and proud of it." Also of note: the guy has 64 videos under his figurative belt. We'd tend to call that borderline-obsessive, but then we remember shoe enthusiast Imelda Marcos, so maybe it's a point of national pride. And really, do we look like the type to argue with an abundance of free smut?